Things my patients taught me

LC sent me a link to a medical student/resident bulletin board today. The thread immortalizes the craziest lessons they've learned from their patients. Useful things like what not to do during a coke bust (ingest it all at once), and what not to insert into your rectum. Biology has the Darwin Awards - we have our patients.

So without further ado, a few of the lessons I learned from my patients last year:
1. Stealing copper wire from a power converter, while a lucrative gig (about $1 a foot) is typically not a good thing to do while high on amphetamines, due to the extreme probability of an electrical fire and total facial and hand mutilation. Friends don't let friends strip copper wire when drunk.

2. If you happen to "fall asleep" at a party and wake up with a utility sized flashlight up your rectum, you're not hanging out with the right people.

3. Even though you really, really wanted to commit suicide, the best way to endear yourself with your health professional team is NOT to tear out your hand stitches ten minutes after they're put in. Particularly if it took two hours for the surgeon to sew you up.

4. Even though you really don't like the hospital, make sure to ask your mom whether she'll be able to handle dressing changes on a three foot by 6 inch by 3 inch deep gaping abdominal wound before you leave against medical advice.

5. When the rash you've had on your foot for the past six months starts smelling like poop, your skin sloughs, and you start seeing exposed bone, it's probably abnormal. You might want to see your doctor, say, before the next calendar year comes and goes. And for god's sake, take time off from your job at Burger King!

6. A walnut-sized fungating lesion on ones penis would probably have been noticed earlier if one had been able to see ones penis (and perform adequate phallic hygeine) over ones massive beer belly.