Etiquette for Urologists

I just got back from a dinner with a visiting professor and the other urology residents. The topics of conversation ranged from universal health care, to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, to scuba diving, to the optimal conditions for a bachelor party. In between, we ate a ton of department-sponsored yummy food and discussed penile fat injections, priapism, testicular torsion and the merits of scuba diving with a condom catheter.

Yes, just another day in the life. But I must imagine that our waitress must have heard some interesting snippets of information as she came in to fill our glasses.
So, usually these kind of departmental functions are nicely tempered by assorted spouses and significant others. In other words, we bring along our own censors. Rarely are ten of us left to our unfettered devices, and I swear the funniest part of the evening was to realize how long it took us to change the subject of conversation when our server came in during an extended urologic debate.

I mean, "penis" is a legitimate term, right? It's not profane in any way, and perhaps the only thing you could say to be more polite is to say "phallus". Most other euphemisms are so vague they're silly (read: organ, unit, package). I still remember how my medical school friend M would burst out giggling every time she had to say the word penis, even in a clinical context.

I think it just has to do with the phonetics of the word. How unfortunate it is that you have to say "pee" to say "penis"? I'll bet when foreigners learn English they assume that the word "penis" is some sort of onomatopoeic slang word like "poop" or "caca".

I hate to go all "Vagina Monologues" on you, but I think we really need to reclaim the word penis. Now, our task is made more difficult by the brevity, the disyllabic nature of the word (you can't draw it out like va-GI-na), but we can do it. We have the "S" in our favor, sibilant and sexy.

As Napoleon Dynamite would say, "Penisssssssssssss."

But we do have that problematic "P", pursed and disapproving. I would suggest a more proactive and defiant "P", shooting forth with a determined implosion of breath. We would start with a burst, no shrinking violet, and then merge with the the joyful vowel of a "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!" before checking ourselves demurely with a crisp and definitive "N" prior to our suggestive denouement.

Or maybe you would want a softer "N", more like an "M" really, a tender nudge on the palate. Or a quiet secondary emphasis on the "IS". Use whatever method you wish, as long as it's not that closed under-the-breath (penis), shamed and surreptitious.

Try it!